My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
