Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
