I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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