I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
