I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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