Your tits are I can't wait for
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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