how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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