Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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