I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
