it hurts more in the daytime
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
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You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!