Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Randomize
