I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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