If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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