either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
