Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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