So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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