My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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