She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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