yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
