he wants to bone in the snuggie
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
