even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
