allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's blow job season.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
