strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
