Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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