her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
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Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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