i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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