Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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