i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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