why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
