so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
