i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
