My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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