I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
