A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
