she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
