20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
