The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
50% drunk capacity currently
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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