Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone came in the potted fern
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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