Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
