I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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