I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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