he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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