If that was your dad, he is hot
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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