I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Houston, we have a blender
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
