Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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