Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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