i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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