Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
