I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
