If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
