when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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