I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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