Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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