my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
