i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
